All I want for Christmas...

Here goes...a little more serious, a little more honest... not the post I was expecting to write next, but...

the holidays spark such emotion in me. Not sure why. Maybe it's the little girl in me, that still loves Christmas lights, the excitement of opening stockings(!), sipping on hot cocoa, watching dancing movies being jealous of those killer moves, decorating a Christmas tree, listeing to stories about the birth of Jesus, and then there's that part of me that still loves to dream.

My dream? I've always wanted a close family, but sadly it's never been a reality. There's a hole that some days seems deeper than most days. This week, it seems deep and makes me sad. I "get along" great with my family there's no serious hatred there, but there's not that dynamic element of LOVING to be around each other. I have to admit I get a tid bit jealous sometimes when I see how much my husband's family stays in contact with each other and how they also truthfully enjoy one another's company. That's what I feel jipped on is being able to enjoy one another's company and being silly, in whatever form your own humor is.

Grant it, I only have brothers for siblings, and guys are not the best at calling just to say hey, plus we live 1000s of miles apart, which is understandable. I love my little brothers and my prego sister-in-law. I enjoy a long-distance friendship with them. They are actually coming to visit next week! It's the first time I can say I have family in town for the holidays. I like that feeling. We always have a great time when we see each other. It's rare for my brother/sister-in-law in North Dakota to be able to get together with Mike and I. Next week will be good...refreshing!

Back to my dream...here it is vulnerable and honest...

I dream of having a family where we have fun traditions of finding a Christmas tree together, singing Christmas carols, having a game night, or all piling on the couch to watch movies. I dream of being able to go shopping with a mom who loves to shop as much as I do and we just chat, chat, and chat about life-what we like, what we don't, latest recipes, how our jobs are going, movies we like, and even get pedicures together. I dream of feeling safe in my dad's embrace and hearing him say how much he loves me. I dream of seeing him happy and not the deep sadness and tiredness from life in his eyes. I dream of extended family getting together for the holidays and laughing at all the stories people tell, not just listening to people talk about how they're barely surviving. I dream of sitting back and watching my family's eye light up because they love life and love each other, not judging each other's flaws or differences. I dream of feeling at home with my family. I dream. I come back to reality that people make their own choices of what they want to get out of life. I forgive. I dream some more...now about my own kids.

Mikey and I have often talked about how we want to raise our family to be close, a healthy close but a fun and silly close too. I so desire a house full of laughter and the openness to share your heart and thoughts (in a respectful way). Maybe the hole in my heart will heal with my own kids. Maybe I'll get back 10x what I feel jipped on. I think it's starting to with Kaiden. When he grins at me and snuggles me, I feel at home. Maybe it's healing more than I know.
I'm excited to have more kids as the years go on, and until then I keep dreaming.